I always say i’m tired. I always say i had enough of exerting too much effort for a very ungrateful person. It will then lead me to a point where i’ll delete all the stuff that reminded me of him but i end up regretting the ‘deleting’ part. I have regretted a lot of my actions in the past and to be honest, 99% of those were related to him. I overthink.. A lot. I always tell myself, “i should’ve done it this way” or “i shouldn’t have done that”. In a very wrong way, i was able to convince myself that i am in this shitty situation because of the things i did but not because things were destined to be this way. I don’t want to get into the ‘we-make-our-own-destiny’ topic because i don’t know what to believe in either but the only lesson i got off from this whole mess is that, when your feelings are real for another person, you’ll never get tired.. Never. Things may go on a spiral or a merry-go-round or even a ferris wheel or whatever circus ride you can think of (’cause that’s what love is.. It’s a damn circus), even if you’re on a dump, it is never easy to leave and move on. It just never is.
You’re an asshole. You’re an ass but i’m an idiot for liking you too much. Maybe i’m paying a big debt for being so ungrateful when you were the one who was doing everything to get my attention. I would always go back to the day when you attacked like a cobra and touched my chin slightly. It was a flirtatious attack. I was stunned and weirded but thinking about it now.. It gives me a feeling of intense butterflies flocking inside my stomach. It’s clear. I’m paying my debts. I don’t even know where i stand now. All i know is that i care for you more than anything err well, second to my family. I regret being ungrateful. I regret falling for you because all it did was create this huge awkward distance between us. I long for you. I wish that i could just talk to you without feeling awkward but that would only mean that i’m not in love with you anymore.
They say that in the game of flirting, the one who falls first, loses. I guess women are in the disadvantage. Women, in general, are emotional unlike men. We tend to take things in a personal level while men, still takes everything as a game. I guess men are pros. They have this innate ability to mock feelings and avoid them. It is inevitable. While women curl up in bed trying to not admit that they already fell.. Men are slowly very gradually realizing that they are starting to develop some feelings. Maybe it’s the ‘law of attraction’ working there. You become automatically attached to the person who fancies you. Then, the real game starts. Who will admit first? Or is someone even going to?