I used to really feel bad about myself. It’s a cliché but i didn’t like the way i looked when i saw myself in the mirror.
I grew so big ’cause i didn’t give a fuck.. At all. I was happy and being too fat didn’t bother me. I still felt loved.. by men. They gave me attention and maybe every girl feeds on that.. It’s just that in my case, i fed both in attention and food.
Everything changed when i had a fight with the man i fell so hard for. (No, we’re not together. Yes, i was just overly-crushing on him. No, we didn’t fight because he thought i’m morbidly obese.) I got depressed. I cried the whole day and i had no interest to eat. (Thank goodness i’m not a stress eater which is weird for a morbidly obese human being) I acted like this for just a FEW days.
I started exercising for real when a friend of mine suggested to go to Boracay for summer. In my head, i was like “I haven’t been eating for a few days.. If i start exercising now, i’ll probably be ready for the beach.”
I changed my lifestyle completely.
I still had my ups and downs though. My immune system came crushing down. I got sick a few times but i was happy that i was losing weight fast. Some told me i was on a crash diet but what the hell.
So here i am.. 25 pounds lighter in 6 months. I am more confident now than ever before. I am happy but i still need to lose a lot of weight.. And I’m on it!!
I can only take so much.
I’m tired. I’ve been patient.. More patient than i normally am. I always looked past the things that you did and said that were too much to take in but i’m tired of doing that. I can stomach insensitive comments and statements but for you to disrespect me with no reason at all?! My mother did not bring me into this world just to be treated this way. I know i deserve so much more.
We’ve been talking constantly.. I began to know the real you then it hit me.. I really can never be with you. You’re just impossible to deal with. Your mood changes faster than mine. I’ve been patient ’cause i don’t want us to argue but it’s too much. For a second, while we were talking, i was like “Thank goodness we’re not together.” Maybe God gave me this situation as a clear sign to move on because i have been very stubborn holding on to my own excuses.
So, God, you have made your point and thank You.
I thought i was already in the process, i really did. Turns out, i wasn’t.
It has been a few weeks since we last talked. I never thought i’ll hear from you during this summer vacation ’cause we’re not the hey-what-are-you-doing type of person towards each other. So i thought this vacation was the perfect opportunity to move on especially that i met someone amazingly funny. Then, one night (just a few hours ago) you popped out of Facebook chat. I felt it again.. The nerves.. These shaking hands as they struggled to type a reply.. The panic was gruesome.
I decided to be reckless. I told you some of the things that i think you should know. I knew i was too honest for my own good but i don’t regret any of it. I guess it’s time for me to gradually lay out my cards in front of you. I may never have the courage to tell you how i feel frankly but i will tell you how i feel.. In my own way. I just hope you’ll get the message.
I have always been the type who falls for the funny guy. Just make me laugh.. I mean.. Really make me laugh to the point that i bend forward like my head’s going to come off. You’ll eventually notice me getting more and more awkward around you. I will even try hard to hold the urge to laugh each time you say or do something funny.
Yeah, i am a sucker for funny guys. So, I met this one guy, his name is smiley. (Well his nickname is smiley ’cause he smiles all the time) i met him on a trip to Zambales. He replaced a friend of mine who backed out at the last minute. (Not that i fell for him but i honestly think that he’s funny even if he doesn’t intentionally want to be)
He is a Filipino who grew up in California. He came here in MNL to study chemical engineering. He was quiet, preserved, and he looked a bit shy. He is short (maybe around 5ft 2in) but he has a nice built. He has thick brows and thick lips. He drinks a lot. He smokes too (both.. If you know what i mean) he prefers to walk barefoot on the sand (even to places where the sand is just.. Disgusting) he also loves to swim.. On the sand.. When he’s drunk. He did backflips while he was in the ocean. He also did double-turns before throwing the skimboard. He also laid on the shore.. Opened his arms wide and then raised his arms towards the sky. He loves to sleep. Just let him lie on the hammock.. You’ll see him fast asleep. He is not fond of taking a shower (i believe so he is). He also repeatedly used his clothes that are already dirty. After waking up that one morning on the hammock, he complained that his butt hurts.. he didn’t know he was sitting on his phone the whole night. He enjoys singing.. he joined a jam session of Ukulele Manila at the common area. They sang their hearts out while lying on their back.. drunk and high. They called themselves.. The Lying Down Band. And that one thing about him which i’ll never ever forget is this line, “if you know what i mean”.
He was pretty much a third wheel at the trip ’cause he was invited by a couple. I didn’t want him to feel out of place so i decided to be friendly. I found out that he grew up in California. That was it. After hearing his answer.. I closed up. I couldn’t come back after hearing his accent. It was too slang hahaha i looked at my friend right after that while trying to hold the urge to laugh. Don’t get me wrong. I am not a racist. Oh hell no! I wanted to laugh at myself ’cause i felt stupid for not answering back after “California”.
I’m lost. I don’t know where this entry is going. I don’t even know if i made my point yet but.. He is funny, believe me.
Taken at the town of San Felipe, Zambales PHL