The Man In My Head

I’m throwing in the towel. I’m done. This is the farthest I can go.

Maybe nothing was weird, ever. Maybe we’re just friends from the very beginning. Maybe things were never complicated and my mind was just making all these shit up. Maybe I was just over-thinking things which made me jump into conclusions, the wrong ones.

We’re just friends. At least I know that now, clearly. No more blurred lines and misinterpretations. All those maybes are now definite.

I’ve been hanging out with him and my other friends for a while now. We had lunch, dinner, and we also watched games for separate occasions. I really thought I knew him but that’s not the case at all. Being around him, in person, is intimidating. The version of him, whom i thought I knew, never made me feel that way. I realized now that I fell for the idea of him but not him. I fell for the man in my head, the idea of him whom I imagined.

He is a great friend, though. He did nothing wrong and I know that now. My fucked up mind just decided years ago to place him on a pedestal. I’ve set the bar so high for ‘his-version-in-my-head’ that ‘the-real-him’ couldn’t reach it. It’s ludicrous.

I know now not to wonder. I am not in love with him but I was in love with the idea of him. Quoting John Green, “Just remember that sometimes, the way you think about a person isn’t the way they actually are.”


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