The Man In My Head

I’m throwing in the towel. I’m done. This is the farthest I can go.

Maybe nothing was weird, ever. Maybe we’re just friends from the very beginning. Maybe things were never complicated and my mind was just making all these shit up. Maybe I was just over-thinking things which made me jump into conclusions, the wrong ones.

We’re just friends. At least I know that now, clearly. No more blurred lines and misinterpretations. All those maybes are now definite.

I’ve been hanging out with him and my other friends for a while now. We had lunch, dinner, and we also watched games for separate occasions. I really thought I knew him but that’s not the case at all. Being around him, in person, is intimidating. The version of him, whom i thought I knew, never made me feel that way. I realized now that I fell for the idea of him but not him. I fell for the man in my head, the idea of him whom I imagined.

He is a great friend, though. He did nothing wrong and I know that now. My fucked up mind just decided years ago to place him on a pedestal. I’ve set the bar so high for ‘his-version-in-my-head’ that ‘the-real-him’ couldn’t reach it. It’s ludicrous.

I know now not to wonder. I am not in love with him but I was in love with the idea of him. Quoting John Green, “Just remember that sometimes, the way you think about a person isn’t the way they actually are.”

Tragic Ending

I honestly don’t know why it took me this long to realize that i was too stupid. I probably even surpassed the meaning of ‘stupid’. I’m pretty sure i went beyond that.

It was hard to hear what my friends think of my situation. My pride (or at least what’s left of it) was holding back the tears from falling from my eyes. I didn’t like the feeling when i looked at my friends’ eyes staring back at me with pity. IT KILLED MY SOUL. It was almost like.. my situation broke my heart but seeing pity from my friends’ eyes pulled out my heart off of my chest.

In the end, what happened was something to learn from. The story started with a gentleman who turned out to be a real asshole. To be honest, i don’t know what the truth is. I don’t have the slightest idea of what he really thinks about me but even without closure, this story deserves an ending and it’s tragic.

Then they lived happily.. Without each other

I can only take so much.

I’m tired. I’ve been patient.. More patient than i normally am. I always looked past the things that you did and said that were too much to take in but i’m tired of doing that. I can stomach insensitive comments and statements but for you to disrespect me with no reason at all?! My mother did not bring me into this world just to be treated this way. I know i deserve so much more.

We’ve been talking constantly.. I began to know the real you then it hit me.. I really can never be with you. You’re just impossible to deal with. Your mood changes faster than mine. I’ve been patient ’cause i don’t want us to argue but it’s too much. For a second, while we were talking, i was like “Thank goodness we’re not together.” Maybe God gave me this situation as a clear sign to move on because i have been very stubborn holding on to my own excuses.

So, God, you have made your point and thank You.

Recklessly Honest

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I thought i was already in the process, i really did. Turns out, i wasn’t.

It has been a few weeks since we last talked. I never thought i’ll hear from you during this summer vacation ’cause we’re not the hey-what-are-you-doing type of person towards each other. So i thought this vacation was the perfect opportunity to move on especially that i met someone amazingly funny. Then, one night (just a few hours ago) you popped out of Facebook chat. I felt it again.. The nerves.. These shaking hands as they struggled to type a reply.. The panic was gruesome.

I decided to be reckless. I told you some of the things that i think you should know. I knew i was too honest for my own good but i don’t regret any of it. I guess it’s time for me to gradually lay out my cards in front of you. I may never have the courage to tell you how i feel frankly but i will tell you how i feel.. In my own way. I just hope you’ll get the message.

A Confession Letter From Me To You

If only i have the courage to confess, it will go a little something like this..

Dear _______,

I don’t know if you already had a hint but i like you. I’m not sure how it all started but i just felt it. Every time i see you, it feels like my body’s going through a state of emergency. It’s crazy! Believe me. I instantly panic. It’s like suddenly, i don’t have a control over my body. My nerves go crazy, my hands shake, my tummy would drop and butterflies would start fluttering in, and not to mention.. i stutter! So yeah, i’m pretty much crazy about you. So, that would explain why.. i always try to avoid you and i don’t talk much when you’re around. I wasn’t ignoring you.. i was just trying to make you think that i am not close to being weird. For that, i apologize if ever you thought that i changed because i didn’t. Remember my Christmas gift for you? This Is It by The Strokes? I just want you to know.. that you’re the only person who received a gift from me. Yeah, i’m a little crazy but don’t be scared.. this is no fatal attraction. God, no!

I can’t help but think that this is your responsibility ’cause you made me fall. It takes two to tango.. that’s what they say. i just have these questions running in my mind..

1. Why did you ask my friend about my type of guy?

2. Why do you always mention my name around our mutual friends even if mentioning me was off topic? You’re even mentioning random and funny stuff. You should know that they are actually curious to know why.

3. Do you really want to buy the albums? Do you even have a “bucket list”? Sometimes, I wonder.. is it just your excuse to talk to me? ‘Cause it’s pretty evident that you’re a bit tight on budget. I’ve been trying to tell you to just buy them yourself but you don’t want to, which is weird ’cause if you really like them.. you should have the patience to actually get them.

4. What is with you and your pick-up lines? Are all of those just tongue-in-cheek? ‘Cause boy, you sent me a picture stated, “Hindi kita bobolahin” (I will not lie to you). I hope you’re aware that you’re confusing me, really.

I have a lot in my mind.. but these four are at the top. So yeah, my feelings may never be reciprocated but i still want you to know that you’re probably the best part of my life. I learned a lot of things from you. I love how you look at the world. I love that you try to not take things seriously but i know that you’re the most sensitive guy. It’s amazing how you try to live your life day by day, trying to make the most out of it. Thank you for sharing Banksy with me and telling me how much you idolize him. This may not be your intention but thank you for all our conversations.. i just realized that we don’t talk about other people but us and i love the thought of that.

I’m graduating soon. I only have to two terms left. It makes me sad that this distance between us will even grow farther. I will miss you. Knowing you and knowing myself.. with both our prides put together, we might never be able to talk to each other again but just know that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you, _______.

Serious relapse

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[English]
“I don’t need Google anymore”
“You have the highest IQ then. 😒”
“‘Cause the moment i saw you.. THE SEARCH IS OVER. 😜”

I know. I know. It’s only a pick-up line but i can’t help the way i feel. I just can’t get over this fast. Haha Oh how i wish he was serious. 😉

Boy do i love circus rides

I always say i’m tired. I always say i had enough of exerting too much effort for a very ungrateful person. It will then lead me to a point where i’ll delete all the stuff that reminded me of him but i end up regretting the ‘deleting’ part. I have regretted a lot of my actions in the past and to be honest, 99% of those were related to him. I overthink.. A lot. I always tell myself, “i should’ve done it this way” or “i shouldn’t have done that”. In a very wrong way, i was able to convince myself that i am in this shitty situation because of the things i did but not because things were destined to be this way. I don’t want to get into the ‘we-make-our-own-destiny’ topic because i don’t know what to believe in either but the only lesson i got off from this whole mess is that, when your feelings are real for another person, you’ll never get tired.. Never. Things may go on a spiral or a merry-go-round or even a ferris wheel or whatever circus ride you can think of (’cause that’s what love is.. It’s a damn circus), even if you’re on a dump, it is never easy to leave and move on. It just never is.