Anew

I haven’t been able to post anything for quite a long time.. Many things have changed and i’ve started a new chapter in my life.

I graduated from college and i’m currently working my ass off as a marketing assistant for a real estate company. I have moved on from the jerk i liked back in college. I even tried to date someone from craigslist. (And yes.. I really thought i could find someone decent from that site) it’s no secret.. I am actively looking for that one person.

Currently, i think i have fallen for my office mate. I don’t work with him directly but he was one of the few people who made me feel welcome during my first week on the job. The only way i can describe him, like what i told my friends, he is not the guy i want but he is the guy i need. He’s not my type at all but his small gestures got me good

The objective of this post, really, is to list down all the moments he made me feel special. Hell, the intro got longer than it should be.

•He told me he’ll always wear the shirt i complimented
•He bought me coffee for my birthday
•He told me he’ll take on the projects i’m handling
•He told me i could be a Crissa campus crush
•He volunteered and lent me his trash bin for more than a month
•He shared his pancake with me during breakfast
•He went out and bought me pandesal for meryenda
•Even after almost a week, he remembered when exactly i was absent from work
•He knew what time i went out from work
•He knew i am always online
•He ran out of the pantry to get his food so he can share it with me
•He totally thought i was the one he was talking to but really it was another girl.. His memory got me stored
•He remembers the date when i started i working

(aw shit.. Can’t remember the other things he did for me LOL)

*i’ll just keep updating this list

The 7 Stages Of Wanting Someone You Can’t Have

EVERY WORD IS JUST TOO ACCURATE. STILL STUCK ON STAGE 5.

Thought Catalog

1. Realization

All of a sudden, it hits you like nothing you’ve ever felt before — Oh, shit, you really like them. This is often someone you’ve known for a long time, even a friend, a coworker, or the dreaded SO-of-a-friend, and all of a sudden you can’t get them out of your head. It’s like they’re a totally different person, and every interaction you’ve ever had needs to be reconsidered, like there must have been some kind of hidden meaning in it. You try to get them out of your head, but there they are every morning, haunting you and making you happy in equal measure.

2. Weighing the possibilities

Maybe you should say something. Should you say something? How would you even go about it? Would the two of you just get drunk together and suddenly something would happen? Even if you could get enough liquid courage in…

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The Man In My Head

I’m throwing in the towel. I’m done. This is the farthest I can go.

Maybe nothing was weird, ever. Maybe we’re just friends from the very beginning. Maybe things were never complicated and my mind was just making all these shit up. Maybe I was just over-thinking things which made me jump into conclusions, the wrong ones.

We’re just friends. At least I know that now, clearly. No more blurred lines and misinterpretations. All those maybes are now definite.

I’ve been hanging out with him and my other friends for a while now. We had lunch, dinner, and we also watched games for separate occasions. I really thought I knew him but that’s not the case at all. Being around him, in person, is intimidating. The version of him, whom i thought I knew, never made me feel that way. I realized now that I fell for the idea of him but not him. I fell for the man in my head, the idea of him whom I imagined.

He is a great friend, though. He did nothing wrong and I know that now. My fucked up mind just decided years ago to place him on a pedestal. I’ve set the bar so high for ‘his-version-in-my-head’ that ‘the-real-him’ couldn’t reach it. It’s ludicrous.

I know now not to wonder. I am not in love with him but I was in love with the idea of him. Quoting John Green, “Just remember that sometimes, the way you think about a person isn’t the way they actually are.”

I love him ’cause

A close friend of mine once told me that i’m blinded by love but i think otherwise. I believe that love doesn’t make a person blinded, rather, love opens a person’s eyes for it can make the eyes see the spark which others can’t. I pride myself for falling for him even if others think he’s so full of himself. He’s different.

I love him ’cause he believed in me. He was the first one to tell me that i will go places, that i will be, one day, a successful and known copywriter. He believes in my skills and in what i can do. He lifted my spirit and from that day onward, i just knew that he’s different.

I love him ’cause he remembered the little things. Sometimes, i think he had a video recorder hidden somewhere ’cause he remembers exactly what i said and what i did. There were times when he recalled some events which i don’t really remember ’cause they were irrelevant, then he’ll be like, “Do you not remember? You were the one who said it!” Simply put, he remembers everything. I mean, who wouldn’t fall for a guy who pays that much attention to you?

I love him ’cause he knows how i smile. He once told my friend that i have exactly one type of smile. He even pointed it out by shuffling through my photos in my friend’s phone. He told my friend how he noticed the lack of variety in my photos. When my friend told me about it, i was like, “Who says that??” I was surprised. No one has ever pointed that out to me. I’m not sure if he is that detail-oriented and that observant but it really made me blush.

I love him ’cause he talked about me a lot. A number of my friends told me that he would mention my name in conversations just out of nowhere and that it would make their conversation shift totally. He would tell funny stories about me, anything trivial, and some are just plain irrelevant. They told me that those stories were so irrelevant that they don’t even remember what those were. They even told me how the way that he would talk about me, felt so different from how he would talk about other people. I don’t know, i never knew someone would be like that towards me; he made me feel different.

I love how he sets me apart from others in a room. I can still remember how my friend told me this story about him and his antics. During our class, he told my friend to join him in a prank, “Let’s stare at her until she turns in our direction!” then my friend thought, “Go stare at her! Why do i have to join you?!” There was a time when he told my friend, “Look! What is she doing to her hair? Why is she playing with her hair like that?” I know that he’s just teasing me and stuff but, somehow, he made me feel special by doing that.

I love him ’cause he shares his interests with me. Banksy, Arctic Monkeys, Outdoor Club, baseball, and etc. Apart from his loud self, he’s a very guarded person. From how i knew him, he doesn’t let just anyone in. So, when he started sharing these things with me, i felt really happy. I was happy believing that, somehow, he gave me permission to come in and know him, the real him.

I love him ’cause he’s sensitive and passionate. Everyone knew him as this annoying, irritating, loud, stoner, and never-serious person but i didn’t. I never saw him in that light. When i first knew him, i saw him more like my younger brother. I looked after him and helped him in any way i can. Then things started to feel different. After some time i learned that, apart from what can easily be seen and noticed, he’s a very passionate man. He stands for what he believes in and is very opinionated. He is not shallow, at all. He’s deep and sensitive. He cares a lot about other people even if he doesn’t show it.

..And I love him ’cause he got me stuck. I have accepted that maybe, i’ll never be able to move on and forget. I have tried a million times to move on. I forced myself to like other guys but every time i saw him, my stomach would drop then my brain would completely forget about the other guys. Maybe, he is ‘that guy’ in my life; the guy who i’ll always remember even after decades have passed. I am happy that someone got me stuck. That a person who can make my stomach drop, even just by hearing his name, actually exists.

I am beyond happy to have known such an amazing man in my life.

To the man who made me feel special, made me stutter, made my hands shake, made my stomach drop, made me turn into a very moody girl, and made me cry.. Thank you! I am graduating soon, we might never see each other again but know that you were able to change someone’s life, mine. I know that you have always wanted to make a difference and to change someone’s life, well here you go! You successfully did, pards! 

(As i was typing the last paragraph, i suddenly felt stupid ’cause i know he’ll never be able to read this, but just in case.. uhm, hey you, please don’t think i’m creepy and please don’t ever mention this ’cause after the second you do, i’ll run away and live overseas. haha)